I’m twenty-two now, but I won’t be for long
People ask me when will I grow up to understand
Why the girls I knew at school are already pushing prams…”
Not my words, the words of England’s premier songstress Kirsty MacColl – alright, the words of England far-from-premier-songwriter Billy Bragg, but the late, great Kirsty did the best version of it.
Anyway, it’s a good metaphor for some of the, ahem, childish actions of NRL players of late, and includes 22 to boot, which solves the problem of making your Power Rankings intros on a musical theme and then realising that, as you enter the late rounds, that gets a lot harder than you expected that it would.
These rankings go down about as well as a cup of hot sick in the comments, so in solidarity with players at the Newcastle Knights, here goes nothing.
1 – Penrith Panthers (-)
The Panthers lost to the Storm, but come on: it was half of the Panthers. They will, as they say, be fine. They could field their NSW Cup team from here until the finals and keep this number one slot.
(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)
2 – North Queensland Cowboys (-)
Let’s not read too much into this Cowboys performance. Much as I have publicly questioned their viability against the very top teams – which definitely includes the Roosters – they had a nightmare week with the untimely passing of Paul Green on Thursday.
Then they travelled on Friday, then faced a team that was bang up for it. As much as Todd Payten said that it wasn’t an excuse, I’m giving them a free pass.
3 – Cronulla Sharks (-)
The Sharkies disposed of the Tigers like they weren’t there. Good for them. it doesn’t get you many points in this column but still, keep on keeping on. Home finals are all but secured and their biggest issue is probably going to be convincing the NRL to let them actually play in Cronulla.
4 – South Sydney Rabbitohs (-)
The Bunnies were perhaps the most impressive side of the week. Their win over Parramatta was so comprehensive it looked routine. Don’t be fooled. they were legitimately superb against a team that has troubled a lot of good sides.
South Sydney have always looked capable of this, and if you don’t believe me, go back and read this column. I’m nothing if not consistent. They’re now entering into the ‘peaked too soon’ category, but with a wounded Panthers, a set-piece Saturday night over the Cowboys and late round derby with the Roosters, anything is possible – including the top four.
5 – Sydney Roosters (-)
Given the upheaval in the week at the Cowboys, I’m not sure it was a fair fight, but you can’t argue with the way that the Roosters executed their game plan. They had to beat the team in front of them and did so convincingly.
The top four might just be too hard for Robbo’s Roosters given their draw, and other team’s draws, but they’re going to be a huge threat waiting in week one. Two more points this weekend over the Wests Tigers should be enough to move them level with several competitors who play each other, and from there, anything is possible.
(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)
6 – Melbourne Storm (-)
The Storm v Panthers games this year have been very strange. Up at Magic Round, a succession of injuries robbed us of a true heavyweight clash and gifted Penrith a relatively simple win, and then the reverse happened this Thursday passed.
If Melbourne – as they say they will – persist with Cameron Munster at fullback, then we’re in for some fun going into the last few weeks. They are hanging onto fourth by a solitary win, but will play three of the four teams chasing them.
The Broncos this weekend will tell us a lot – if they get the points, then it looks hard for the Storm to be caught. Lose and it’s suddenly the logjam of all logjams, especially if Souths beat Penrith. I can’t wait.
7 – Brisbane Broncos (+1)
Brisbane weren’t at their fluent best against the Knights, but let’s be honest: they didn’t have to be. Sometimes this game is about getting over the team in front of you.
It will have felt a bit strange, because the Bronx at home should be able to get up for anyone, but it’s not as simple as that. The interesting part comes now. They face the Storm then the Eels, two games that will essentially decide whether they are a proper team or not.
If they win even one – and let’s face it, that looks like Parra at home – then they are probably good for a home final and you’d back them to go a week further. Lose, especially to the Eels, and they’re on the road to one of Souths or the Roosters and it’s likely curtains.
8 – Parramatta Eels (-1)
I was sick last week and decided not to risk heading out to Parramatta on Friday night, robbing myself of the chance to have a subs-based showdown with Brad Arthur. He kept Ofahiki Ogden, a prop, on the bench for 72 minutes on Friday, then went into the press conference and told the media that his team got battered in the middle.
If only there was something that he could have done to change that, eh? Parra are in serious danger of getting bounced week one of the finals, because they’ve gone from a position where they should have walked the top four to one where they will likely face Souths – whom they never beat – or the Broncos in Brisbane.
It would be very like this Eels team to win either of those games, for there’s zero chance of them doing that for the number of games that they would need to in order to make the Grand Final.
9 – Canberra Raiders (-)
The Raiders got a well-earned slice of luck, but really shouldn’t have needed it. They could have iced that game well before they did and somehow conspired to let a bang average Dragons side back into it.
The good news is that they are still heavy outsiders to make the finals and will certainly get beat in week one if they do make it, ensuring contests all around. Imagine the comedy value if they make it to 8th and have to go back to Melbourne in week one though. They’d win, wouldn’t they. I would laugh so, so hard.
(Photo by Bradley Kanaris/Getty Images)
10 – Manly Sea Eagles (-)
The most unexpected death of a Northerner’s favourite bird since Kes, my Manly Sea Eagles’ season perished on the Gold Coast, where sports teams go to die, with Justin Holbrook’s Titans playing the role of our Judd.
Dessie and the boys were in the last chance saloon, but that’s no excuse for defending like they’d had 15 pints. Josh Schuster, in particular: I hope you miss the World Cup and spend the summer being flogged up and down South Steyne, tackling holidaymakers and dog walkers alike. That ‘tackle’ on David Fifita…wow.
11 – Canterbury Bulldogs (-)
I follow a fair few Canterbury Bulldogs players on Instagram and the good news is that, despite a short turnaround from Bundaberg to Auckland, with a few flight hiccups in the bargain, they seemed to have a great time all the while.
Remember, if you watch a film where all the actors appear to really be enjoying themselves, the chances are the film is rubbish. The Dogs got flogged by an awful Warriors side, but they keep their 11th ranking because they’re fun and St George Illawarra aren’t.
12 – St George Illawarra Dragons (-)
Probably harsh on the Dragons to keep them below the Bulldogs, because they were the victims of the most hilarious karma this weekend. Imagine, had that call in Wollongong gone against them, we could have written them off (and thus avoided having to watch them) far earlier.
The good news for the worst team to watch in the NRL is that they’re linked with a certain former Panthers attacking guru. Please, for the love of god, make it happen. Think of the comedy value.
13 – New Zealand Warriors (+1)
Not only did New Zealand win a game, they also looked like they had fun. Good for them. they also punted that bloke drinking from his shoe, which was taken as a crime against larrikinism, but I dunno: wasn’t he cheating at the shoey anyway? I’d say putting a cup inside your boot is cheating. I have nothing to say about their rugby league team.
Shaun Johnson. (Photo by Phil Walter/Getty Images)
14 – Newcastle Knights (-1)
The Knights have entered silly season. Their campaign was going down the toilet long before their players’ lunches were.
15 – Gold Coast Titans (+1)
The Titans win a game for the first time in the last three months, so let’s jump them up a spot. They’re still rubbish, but I will point out that I did tip them to win *at least* one more game. #Mikestradamus
16 – Wests Tigers (-1)
My pal Big T – short for The Biggest Tiger – is the most positive Wests Tigers fan in the world, with a well of love for his frankenclub that is near limitless. To steal his review: ‘not nil’.