For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of being cast on “The Real Housewives.”
But Andy Cohen won’t call, email or DM me back.
Luckily, “Beverly Hills” star Sutton Stracke took pity on me — and my wardrobe — and welcomed me into her titular boutique, where she styled me for a “RHOBH” boozy brunch, tropical cast trip and nerve-racking reunion … you know, in case Andrew ever gets back to me.
I’d never been to SUTTON, located in the heart of West Hollywood, but I was more than excited to pay it a visit — mostly because I am now nine years too old for my clothing store of choice, Forever 21.
The moment I set foot in the elegant yet eclectic shop, I knew I was in for a good time. You see, Sutton and I are very similar in that we wear what we like, and not necessarily what’s “on trend.”
SUTTON is a “concept store,” meaning everything from the merchandise to the furniture and even the art on the walls, much of it one-of-a-kind, is available for purchase.
After she gave me a tour of the place (and broke my heart by revealing that the yellow strapless Alexis Mabille number at the front of the store would set me back $2,200), Sutton was ready to dress me to the nines.
First up was brunch, which the Augusta, Ga., native warned is “always kinda scary because you never know what’s gonna happen.”
Since it’s still summer, Sutton decided an all-white ensemble would be fitting for some bacon and eggs with the gals. Of course, she was assuming I wouldn’t spill a Bloody Mary on myself — or have one thrown on me by one of her co-stars.
Though my Cuban butt struggled to get into the SPRWMN white leather pants ($1,250) she selected, I must admit they felt delectable.
Sutton paired the buttery bottoms with a super-soft and airy Amber Sakai top with a back tie ($85), which was both adorable and functional for the occasion, and added extra glam with a variety of antique-looking Suzanne Wilson necklaces ($4,375).
One thing about me: I love a pop of color! Sutton finished off my brunch getup with a hot pink Perrin Paris purse ($1,600), which I held out like a CGI diamond in case Bravo needs to see what I would look like as a full-time cast member.
Next up was the tropical cast trip to an unknown destination, to which Sutton assured me I would be traveling via her — and not Diana Jenkins’ — private jet.
“This is when it gets very dangerous. The cast trips are the scariest,” she warned me, mere moments before making me put on a white bathing suit and walk out into a room full of fully clothed strangers.
Despite my desire to bolt out of that fitting room and into one of Lisa Vanderpump’s nearby bars, I loved the look! Sutton paired the one-piece (bless her) Le Swim style ($300) with a purple striped SPRWMN button-up ($310), which she tied very meticulously around my waist.
She then clasped a stunning yet staggeringly pricey Amedeo elephant cameo necklace ($15,995) around my neck before handing me some much-needed (though non-Rinna) rosé in a Murano fish glass (set of six: $3,400).
“You need it,” Sutton said of my unexpected daytime treat, informing me it was now time to “get slaughtered” at the reunion.
I’m sorry, but even if Erika Jayne read me for filth on those dreaded couches, I would at least go out looking bomb!
Sutton did good with this look. Again dressing me in things I’d never pick out for myself, she suggested I try on a tea-length royal blue cashmere dress from her own collection ($1,100). Not only was it insanely soft, but it was also quite flattering!
She made sure I was both “comfortable” and “sparkly” by giving me the most incredible Alan Anderson jewelry to wear with the dress.
Moderation? Never heard of her. Sutton selected over-the-top clear crystal drop earrings ($295), a long pendant necklace with a gigantic emerald-looking stone ($495) and a chunky crystal cuff bracelet ($795) — just in case I need to use it. (Editor’s note: She is kidding. We do not condone violence of any kind.)
“I think you’re an official ‘Housewife’ now!” Sutton said of my reunion look.
As incredible as it was to hear those words coming from the star of the franchise, I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance without a great tagline.
Holding up the Asscher-cut simulated diamond ring ($1,750) Sutton placed on my poorly manicured finger, I peered directly into our wonderful cameraman’s soul and said, “They say everything that sparkles isn’t always diamonds, but in my world it is.”
See y’all on “RHOBH” Season 13!
